everything on my mind

i guess this is a matter of the angel on my shoulder or the devil. actually not really either. why am i not content with anything i have; i have a wonderful boyfreind who needs to excersize a little more self control sometimes, but who genuinely makes me happy. then why does it feel like work? it shouldnt. but it doesnt. im perfectly content with everything at this moment. but then im always wondering if its enough, if i should just go back to being single and hooking up with whoever the hell i please. i dont want to be tied down. but i do, becasue i am so much of a better person when i am. i am stronger. but who wants to be the strong one anyways? i mean we both equally are strong, but why the hell does the matter always come down to me being the one who has the self control we based our relationship on. kissing should be fun and easy. then why is it everytime i end up forcing myself to think of dead dogs and old people with flabby skin and retainers and eggplants. things that turn me off, in short. i am a self centered, control freak who has to have everything her way in a relationship. i just really wanted to go through this year easily and not have to worry about the future or anything (which is nearly impossible your senior year) and just.. live. and smile. on paper, everything really really is fine with me and my life. im doing everything right, and so is he. then why arent i content with anything? is it something inside of me? is it that bit of me that is constantly tellng myself that the most exciting type of relationship is when you have to work for the guy to notice you? subconsiously i yearn for abuse, because it makes me feel like when i do get what i want, its well earned. so what have i done to earn anything these days? and since when do i care what other people have to say about my relationships. i should just love and let live. or, let love grow in all its appropriate places. i want to please god but how can i know what his will is when im having such a hard time with me own? or is that the lesson, that i need to not even worry about my own will, and focus more on what god wants me to do.
maybe, just maybe, the issue is not gods willingness to reveal his will, maybe its my willingness not to respond and participate.. and i thought i was doing so good. how the hell do you even tell what is gods will, and whats just the voice inside your head telling you what to do?
i know i need to submit. i know i need to trust. i am a blank check, but where is my answer??


Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straignt. Proverbs 3:5-6