diary entry

this is old. but important, because of how real, and how strong it all was. i never will forget.

i hate that i cant stop thinking about you. i hate how you used me. i hate how you lied, i hate how you put me through so much, yet i stood up for you every bit of the way.

i changed for you. i was so stupid. i made choices i never should i have made, i did things i never should have done, because you were always there, making me think i was happy.

i hate how i lost friends because of you. i hate how you manipulated us. i hate how you cheated on me, twice. i hate how someone could be so two-faced, and me? so oblivious.

whats ironic is we were so close, before everything. we were so alike. i had never felt as myself with you as anyone else. at least, i though that was the real me. when you finished your work, i didnt even know who "myself" was.

i hate how much i care for you. i hate seeing your face everytime i go to work. i hate how you dont love god, and dont accept my life ive built for him. i hate how i let you affect me.

but more than anything, i hate that i miss you, forgive you, and for some sick reason, though i hate everything about you, i cant hate you.

i hate how im the one whose better, and that youre not better with me.

"you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

you asked me how you can make things better. one word: jesus.



(for the record on this one, things did not get better with him. i found better my own way.)