you are perfect.

so i had this epiphany. I finally understand those girls who any person my age might define as a SLUT. always with a new guy, slept with over ten, which may not be that many but when youve only been around for 17 years, it kind of is. while the majority of the people take a negative look at them once theyve been branded a slut, ive come to realize it as a different way. sure, they may get around. but, from the perspective of somebody who has if not been, been best freinds with one, things arent always the way they appear.
whats weirdest is that when we were in 7th, 8th, and 9th grade, she wasnt one of those kids who drank at an early age, kissed boys under the bleachers, or who played spin the bottle. in fact, she didnt get her first kiss until 10th grade. weird, i know. but then, once new years of our 10th grade year it, it was a whole new story. it was kind of my fault i guess for dragging her down with me, but we wanted to get drunk, so thats exactly what we did. it was an obsession from that point on, we thought of every possible way to get drunk, and started smoking pot and doing things with guys. while i decided to get in the pool, she decided to dive into the deep end, drinking every weekend, lying to her parents and all. once i broke up with the boyfrend of mine who was more mature (two years older), i stopped everything really. i didnt really care. ive never needed substances to have a good time. im a jolly person. she, however, continued, and it was a constant struggle trying to be friends with her. with my growing faith, she just dragged me down. i look at it now, and see how far ive come since then, and how much farther i could have been if it werent for her. it disgusts me that she had me convinced that it was cool to sleep around, get drunk at school, and all the the dumb things we did together.
since my sophomore year ive constantly been struggling with partying, drugs, and alchohol. which is the stupidest thing, because i dont even care about it. i look at my life right now, and i am perfectly content with being a true daughter of christ. yeah, i party with my friends someitme. but i dont look to get drunk. im better then that.
anyways, on the way home from younglife tonight i was thinking about her, having run into one of her many guys that she keeps on a close enough string where they are always there for her, but she never has to be there for them. then, i thought about how shitty ive been feeling since i broke up with silly philly. then it kind of hit me- get a life. get a friend. i love who i am, since when do i need a GUY of all people to complete me? a boyfriend should improve my being, not BECOME my being. i never again want to let my confidence and overall wellness depend on a man agian. but theres always that feeling- that lingering, terrible feeling much like the one im feeling right now, that makes me want to keel over. that feeling is why girls become sluts- to fill the gaps they feel when theyre single.
why are we constantly convincing ourselves that we need a man to be happy? ladies- you are pefrect the way god made you. dont ever let yourself think diffferently.

everything on my mind

i guess this is a matter of the angel on my shoulder or the devil. actually not really either. why am i not content with anything i have; i have a wonderful boyfreind who needs to excersize a little more self control sometimes, but who genuinely makes me happy. then why does it feel like work? it shouldnt. but it doesnt. im perfectly content with everything at this moment. but then im always wondering if its enough, if i should just go back to being single and hooking up with whoever the hell i please. i dont want to be tied down. but i do, becasue i am so much of a better person when i am. i am stronger. but who wants to be the strong one anyways? i mean we both equally are strong, but why the hell does the matter always come down to me being the one who has the self control we based our relationship on. kissing should be fun and easy. then why is it everytime i end up forcing myself to think of dead dogs and old people with flabby skin and retainers and eggplants. things that turn me off, in short. i am a self centered, control freak who has to have everything her way in a relationship. i just really wanted to go through this year easily and not have to worry about the future or anything (which is nearly impossible your senior year) and just.. live. and smile. on paper, everything really really is fine with me and my life. im doing everything right, and so is he. then why arent i content with anything? is it something inside of me? is it that bit of me that is constantly tellng myself that the most exciting type of relationship is when you have to work for the guy to notice you? subconsiously i yearn for abuse, because it makes me feel like when i do get what i want, its well earned. so what have i done to earn anything these days? and since when do i care what other people have to say about my relationships. i should just love and let live. or, let love grow in all its appropriate places. i want to please god but how can i know what his will is when im having such a hard time with me own? or is that the lesson, that i need to not even worry about my own will, and focus more on what god wants me to do.
maybe, just maybe, the issue is not gods willingness to reveal his will, maybe its my willingness not to respond and participate.. and i thought i was doing so good. how the hell do you even tell what is gods will, and whats just the voice inside your head telling you what to do?
i know i need to submit. i know i need to trust. i am a blank check, but where is my answer??


Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straignt. Proverbs 3:5-6

high school girls.

today i learned a lot about myself, and other people for that matter. i learned that no matter how much people are able to act like they're not, we are simply just human. therefore, were all going to suck, to some degree.

so I'm dating this guy. we have a great relationship. I'm not going to go into all the details because we've only been dating one week and that sounds creepy of me, and this is the internet. but anyways. i met him through a friend of mine who i met with nothing to do with anyone at my school. yet somehow, he was linked back to it.
girls are so stupid. but we cant really help it can we. some girl who i honestly haven't talked to in four years claims she hates me because I'm dating someone she broke up with six months ago. how high school can you get. and somehow, i get turned into the bad guy, because i should have been considerate enough to ask her permission first... really people, lets all get along. I'm not committing a crime here. a certain friend always calls me jokingly, "boyfriend stealer". for the record, i have never stolen anyones boyfriend. i have never hooked up, caused a breakup, or taken from one girl her man of the moment. i have dated other peoples exes. but think about it.. who isn't someone's ex? really, think to your boyfriend or last boyfriend. did they have an ex? was it a female? if we all followed this so-called friend of mines standards, wouldn't we all be boyfriend stealers? including her?

I've dated or basically dated or hooked up with, or whatever people call it these days anyways, with a lot of guys. i know a good one when i see one. i don't waste my time on guys who look at you as an object, lack in the conversation department, or are so rude they don't deserve my time. maybe I'm a harsh judge, but its for my own good, nobody else's. so when someone purposefully goes out of their way to bad mouth a guy I'm interested, and i know for a fact its not true, it just makes them look stupid. not me, which even though they may not admit it, they subconsciously want to do. high school is so ludicrous.

Every part of it, the people, the teachers, the homework you never want to do, the PE classes that are MANDATORY, the subjects you've taken four years in that you know for a fact you will never study or consider as a possible career option, all of it really. if i could just ex out my whole high school experience and be done with it, i can confidently say i would live the rest of my life in peace and serenity, never knowing what levels of hell i experience in grades 9-12.

Maybe I'm bitter, maybe I'm just angry after a long day of defending myself. but in the end, i realize, that sadly enough, i am just like that girl. if i found out somebody was dating my most recent ex, i would be mad. but then again, my most recent ex and i were really over at the end of October. while i fall under my own grouping of "stupid high school girls", i am nowhere near as extreme where i would purposefully try to ruin someone else's day just because they fell for the same guy you did once upon a time.

its pointless and unnecessary: kind of like high school.

when i say

by Carol Wimmer

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I am saved"
I'm whispering "I get lost!"
"That is why I chose this way."

When I say..."I am a Christian"
don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need someone to be my guide.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
my flaws are too visible
but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartaches
which is why I seek His name.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority.
I only know I'm loved.

diary entry

this is old. but important, because of how real, and how strong it all was. i never will forget.

i hate that i cant stop thinking about you. i hate how you used me. i hate how you lied, i hate how you put me through so much, yet i stood up for you every bit of the way.

i changed for you. i was so stupid. i made choices i never should i have made, i did things i never should have done, because you were always there, making me think i was happy.

i hate how i lost friends because of you. i hate how you manipulated us. i hate how you cheated on me, twice. i hate how someone could be so two-faced, and me? so oblivious.

whats ironic is we were so close, before everything. we were so alike. i had never felt as myself with you as anyone else. at least, i though that was the real me. when you finished your work, i didnt even know who "myself" was.

i hate how much i care for you. i hate seeing your face everytime i go to work. i hate how you dont love god, and dont accept my life ive built for him. i hate how i let you affect me.

but more than anything, i hate that i miss you, forgive you, and for some sick reason, though i hate everything about you, i cant hate you.

i hate how im the one whose better, and that youre not better with me.

"you will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

you asked me how you can make things better. one word: jesus.



(for the record on this one, things did not get better with him. i found better my own way.)

guidelines to life

i wrote this a while ago when i was frustrated at everyone who makes things so damn complicated. its kind of how i live my life :]

tell me you like tofu. amuse me. tell me the dumbest joke you know, i will probably laugh. play me a song. tell me you wrote it for me, i wont know the difference. love my freinds. be my family. give me an A+. don't argue with me. praise god. hold me tight. show me a world where everyone is abounding in love, compassion, where the only existing hatred is for itself. smoke a cigarette.. write a poem. draw a picture. give jesus a chance. float on the dead sea. kill a goat. tye-dye with your best friends. adopt a pet. love bellingham. bake a cake. read a book series in one day. be the friend you've always wanted. befriend someone annoying, they just might surprise you. don't be afraid to say what you mean. tell somebody you love them. cryyyyy for gods sake. understand. give me a high five. have a baby. name your kid something exquisite and unheard of, so they don't get stuck with the warehouse name like every other kid. and most of all, show me your pearly white, flash me a big huge SMILEEEEE